The 15 best anti-valentine movies

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Elaine chung

There was a giant Bumble billboard on Houston Street in New York this fall that said something like “this is the most important handcuff season of your life.” Pandemic winter was coming, and the late summer gatherings were like doomsday preparation before we all crouched down for the cold months of isolation.

Was this advertisement terribly dramatic? Yes. You are doing very well. Spring is only a few weeks away (six, thanks to Phil the Groundhog) now. But as Valentine’s Day draws near, just in case you need it, here are some suggestions for anti-Valentine’s movies. So you can stop looking at Instagram stories of people expressing gratitude for their significant other now. You don’t need that. What you need is a wellness film. That’s what you came here for, so let’s do it. Here are 15 suggestions.

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Lobster

A bizarre black comedy about a society in which singles are placed in a hotel and have 45 days to find a romantic partner or be transformed into an animal of their choice. The romance of Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz, if you can call it that, will leave you terribly troubled with love.

Amazon Hulu

John Tucker must die

A true classic of the 2000s, no Anti-Valentine’s list would be complete without it. In John Tucker must die, Three ex-girlfriends of a serial cheater orchestrate a plot to take John down by enlisting a new girl to break his heart.

Amazon itunes

Promising young woman

A sharp and shocking drama, Carey Mulligan shines as Cassie, who leads a double life at night punishing men in memory of her late friend Nina. With a star-studded cast including Bo Burnham and Max Greenfield, this new Golden Globe-nominated film is a must-see.

Amazon

The witch of love

The witch of love is both a comedy and a horror film about a modern day witch who uses potions to trick and then deflect men when they don’t satisfy her. The 2016 film starring the fascinating Samantha Robinson is a wizarding, feminist, slightly gruesome, two-hour journey, and there is nothing like a murderous seductress to turn you away from love.

Amazon

Missing girl

Adaptation in 2014 of Gillian Flynn’s book by David Fincher, Missing girl, is a psychological thriller that depicts the aftermath of Nick’s (Ben Affleck) life after his wife Amy (Rosamund Pike) goes missing, and the image of their perfect life and marriage crumbles in the public eye.

itunes hulu

500 summer days

500 summer days is a proven, yet fundamentally flawed, breakthrough film. It’s scary and artistic like a film school graduate, but also entertaining and wise, and there’s a Hall & Oates dance number. But more importantly, if you are feeling down, there is the lesson that there is always a light at the other end of a heartbreak.

Amazon Hulu

The revenge of a blonde

The revenge of a blonde is Reese Witherspoon’s tour de force as Elle Woods, a blonde Californian who made it her mission to go to Harvard Law School to fuck with her ex-boyfriend. Plus, only a monster can be sad while Jennifer Coolidge bends over and slams. (There is also legally blonde 2, and the Broadway musical is really fantastic and sure Youtube, too, if you feel like a marathon).

Amazon itunes

Under the Tuscan sun

Under the Tuscan sun is a perfect divorce film, in which Frances (Diane Lane) goes on a whirlwind trip turned permanent move to Tuscany only to start anew after learning that her husband is cheating on her. It’s technically a romantic comedy, but there’s no way to let this movie feel bad about being alone.

Amazon itunes

First Wives Club

A 1996 feminist revenge film, First Wives Club reunites Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn and Diane Keaton as college friends reunited to get revenge on their ex-husbands.

Amazon Hulu

Fatal attraction

Fatal attraction is a 1987 psychological thriller about an affair gone awry. Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) becomes an obsessive stalker after Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) cheats on his wife with her.

Amazon itunes

Kill me three times

This 2014 dark comedy thriller is about a marriage gone so badly that it ends in a mess of multiple pay-murder plots, if you’re in the mood for bloody revenge.

Amazon itunes

The wedding of my best friend

This classic tells the story of a marriage pact gone awry for childhood best friends Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) and Michael O’Neal (Dermot Mulroney). The perfect movie if you need to remind yourself that you’re creme brulee, not Jell-O, and that’s okay.

Netflix Amazon

Chicago

Black police musical Chicago starring Renée Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Richard Gere, celebrates 1920s jazz as well as the murder of your husband, which is the theme of a Valentine’s Day party on your own.

Amazon itunes

She must have it

Spike lee She must have it is a 1986 comedy-drama about the carefree Nola Darling (Tracy Camilla Johns), who isn’t particularly interested in picking out just one of her three lovers. A classic that celebrates female sexual liberation is a perfect way to spend an evening solo.

Netflix

Get out

Jordan Peele’s 2017 horror film about a couple (played by Daniel Kaluuya and Allison Williams) who travel to the upstate to meet the girlfriend’s parents for the first time is a masterpiece modern work.

Amazon

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